She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
