Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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