Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
