Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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