I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
