I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
