I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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