Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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