you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Never joke about your clitoris.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize