You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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