just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
