So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
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