pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You're like the curious george of whores
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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