Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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