sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
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My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
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The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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