Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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