I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
