note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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