My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
