so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
