I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
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The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
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went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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