he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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