I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
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