i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
