Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
did i walk over a car last night?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Randomize
