My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
