I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
