you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
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The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
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The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
He? As in you personified your dick?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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