She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
