People with herpes should wear stickers.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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