I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
