i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
