If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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