Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Randomize
