i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
