my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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