After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
