you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
