I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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