Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Randomize
