Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I just googled if crying burns calories
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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