i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
