I just pynch a tree in the face
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
