every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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