The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
