Got a toothbrush?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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