you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
