Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
