So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
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So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
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My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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