2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
