She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Randomize
