I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
