I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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