Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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