New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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