I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
