i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
