I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
